dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
