By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
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I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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