She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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