I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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