I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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