I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
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Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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