She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
