if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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