What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
