I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
