True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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