swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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