i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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