Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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