Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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