woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
