Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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