Just took my morning after pill in the library
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
