I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
