2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
