Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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