U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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