Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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