So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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