Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
