Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
