I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
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the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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