hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
