i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
