I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
