found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
