I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
