Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize