I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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