Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
