ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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