Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
