i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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