So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
