who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
