I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
