He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
