she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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