I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
