Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
