No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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