just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
