i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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