I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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