I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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