Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
we're so committed to being not committed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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