The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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