Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
