i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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