he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
