I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ketchup is God's man juice
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize