its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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